EVERYTHING THAT KILLS ME by Barbara Elsborg

5* If you loved The Story of Us by BE, you'll love this. Shades-is, but not. 

I've not read a BE gay romance novel that I've not loved, with TSoU being my favourite 'tortured' one (she does like to put her leads through the ringer) and her bonkers-LOL Jonty Bloom series, the books that I read to cheer myself up. This book threatens to dethrone TSoU, but it's a weirdly slightly lighter read, despite the premise - you'll need to read it and see. 

This book falls into the 'tortured' category, though not too much in the sense of physical torture, but a love that isn't allowed out in the open; that can't be admitted by one of the leads (no guesses who); that is manipulated by others and by one of the leads (again, no guesses who), and with a HEA that needed to be 'orchestrated' so that the guys wouldn't always be on the move, having to look over their shoulders for the rest of their lives. There's not a lot of BE' trademark levity in this, and at times, there's abuse that I couldn't fathom as a parent, but that wasn't dwelled on, thankfully. The unpalatable aspects of the storyline weren't overly dwelled on, either - it was more 'mission brief, debrief, onto the next'. 

I'm not sure that I liked how lies came so easily to Jack, but I loved the romantic in him who went against everything he'd been taught, just for glimpses of Zeph, to both torture himself with, but also, I thought, to sustain himself  go on existing and doing what he did best, the only thing he knew to do. Zeph was my favourite character (although Thomas reminded me a bit of Gary Oldman as Sirius Black, deserving of a good smack for one of his actions, but always there for Jack. Oh, and brill reveal at the end), who actually was the more stubborn and determined of the two, with his life plans and with life's plans for him. He had a lot of growing up to do at a time when life should've been about fun, exploring and learning. What didn't break him made him stronger for what it meant to be with Jack, although 'be with' at times felt like a push. 

Things did eventually come good for them, a given with a tale by BE, but the emotional toll on Zeph felt a little unfair. I didn't doubt that Jack struggled too, but he had a freedom that Zeph didn't in his very organised life - a life that ultimately would 'equalise' their roles, protecting their HEA by helping them be ahead of the game.

There's a tiny bit of very welcome levity at the end, that made me feel I could breathe out deeply - they'd made it, against the odds. And yes, the old Phil Collins song seems appropriate here.